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Hedo
02 June 2016 @ 04:51 pm
I was told I "look young" and now I feel awful.

My birthday's tomorrow.

I haven't really enjoyed my birthday since I was 15 and the knowledge that I stopped growing and started aging four years ago isn't helping much at all.

You'd think being complimented on looking young would help but it just kind of feels like another instance of insides not matching outsides and all that bullshit.
 
 
Hedo
27 December 2015 @ 03:22 am
*imagines what it would be like to not have PTSD, PMDD and dysphoria*

Neat.
 
 
Hedo
14 December 2015 @ 07:48 am
Again.

Of course.

Every mildly annoying thing I've done that I can recall doing is coming back up. Everything I've been wronged by is coming up. My anxiety is absurd already and rising.

I hate myself.

I hate my body.

This happens every five weeks and by the end of the fourth I am actively suicidal or very damn close.

But my only options right now are birth control (didn't work, made it worse) or antidepressants which largely don't work for my problem.

I feel trapped and like I have no meaningful options for stopping it. When I seek help from gynecologists they don't take me seriously. I can't get psychiatric help at all for whatever stupid fucking reason. Based on other experiences, though, my expectations are much the same.
 
 
Hedo
15 November 2015 @ 07:56 am
Do you consider yourself a religious person? If so, which religion do you affiliate with? If not, why not? Do you consider being "religious" different from believing in a higher power?
I do. I identify as Lokean, meaning I work with Loki (no, NOT Marvel; fuck Marvel) and, in my case, his family.

There's no objective answer as to whether belief and religion are one and the same, but to me, practice without belief is meaningless. If I did not believe I was meaningfully surrendering my time, energy, food, fuel and occasionally my bodily autonomy (I stopped cutting my hair, and I've spent long periods covering it as a devotional act), I wouldn't bother. All those gestures being directed at absolutely nothing would be a waste.

For me, there has been ample *subjective* proof that it's going somewhere, so I keep at it.
 
 
Hedo
18 October 2015 @ 10:51 pm
eugh
Till Lindemann should just stick with Rammstein and not do anything on his own
singing in English as anything other than a joke (like in "Amerika") just sounds so bad and while "Zwitter" and "Mann Gegen Mann" are enjoyable and kind of relatable in a weird, self-deprecating way, "Ladyboy" is just AWFUL
did you even TRYYY
TILL DID YOU EVEN TRY
 
 
 
Hedo
17 October 2015 @ 06:30 pm
conspiracy theorists who like women and gay people and trans people
and people of color and Jewish people
and who won't AGGRESSIVELY SYNCRETIZE every deity who failed to be YHWH/Jehovah and/or Jesus and label them all Satan. THEY CANT' ALL BE SATAN. OMG.

and also a conspiracy theorist who will finally elaborate on wtf Marie Antoinette programming is instead of referencing it with zero explanation. (Because is it Zeta? It sounds pretty damn Zeta.)
 
 
Hedo
17 October 2015 @ 04:16 pm
My constant insistence that I don't actually exist and the fact that I don't feel like a real person are really getting in the way of me getting a job.
 
 
Hedo
08 September 2015 @ 03:30 pm
the person claiming "death is not necessary" is now claiming that people who disagree with her want her dead

for fuck's sake, no. you just need to learn to accept the idea.
 
 
Hedo
06 September 2015 @ 11:13 pm
I'm fucking sorry WHAT
what the hell does that even mean
death is absolutely necessary for life to exist
history is made of dead things
fuel is made of dead things
food is made of dead things
SOIL IS MADE OF DEAD THINGS
death is REQUIRED for the world to work
death is a responsibility
 
 
Hedo
30 August 2015 @ 06:44 pm
I don't actually exist