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Hedo
22 November 2016 @ 01:23 am
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I guess I wouldn't feel so terrible right now if there wasn't a fucking white nationalist in my house and I was able to leave my room long enough to eat some actual fucking food.

She said she'd kick him out. She's too much of a pussy to do anything she says she'll do.
 
 
Hedo
12 October 2016 @ 07:55 am
What is the best or most memorable compliment that you’ve ever received? Who was it from, and why did it mean so much to you?
Kung-Fu Joe said I was all that and a bag of chips.
 
 
Hedo
11 October 2016 @ 04:12 am
You know, I already don't sleep as it is.

When someone who snores, has sleep apnea and is getting over a cold insists in sleeping in an adjacent room where there's not even a real wall between us, occasionally adding complaining about me not being asleep yet (WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS, M8), all fucking bets are off. This aggravates the hell out of my misophonia and I want to, like, hop on my bike and run away until he wakes up and leaves. But it's 4am and dark outside and if I get up and leave the house I'll get bitched at.

Seriously fuck you, go sleep in your own room with real walls.
 
 
Hedo
05 October 2016 @ 08:22 am
If you could go back in time and give some advice to your younger self, what would it be? What age would you go back to in order to deliver this advice? Do you think your younger self would listen to you and heed the advice?
DON'T WRITE THAT SHITTY BLUE HAIR FIC
 
 
Hedo
I feel pretty spread thin. 3 classes is a lot of workload when you have ADHD. (Luckily the German language is a hobby thing and I'm internally motivated with that one.) I still have to go see a play for my theatre class, write a play, write a massive essay for history by December somethingth and finish a presentation for German by the end of this week. (VER-FUCKING-DAMMT.)

I didn't sleep at all Monday night/Tuesday morning. (Well, 30 minutes. But anything under 90 minutes is worthless and therefore doesnt count.) I literally could not think properly in German OR Denglisch. I'm normally at an advantage in German class because I already have an okay vocabulary and like the internal logic and inflection of languages (it's extra work learning, but pays off in clarity) but couldnt even manage numbers. I still had assignments to turn in online and risked a nap because I was baffled by even the simplest questions. Thankfully that worked out.

On a much more chipper note, I got to eat a festive halloween poptart for breakfast.
 
 
 
Hedo
I've been sleeping like shit. School (during the fall) makes my symptoms worse.
I usually do REALLY well and can challenge my anxious thoughts but how the fuck do you throw logic at a flashback? Doesn't work. Been trying to do it for 7 years. I can't afford therapy right now and I don't have the energy these days to process it again.

I just want to sleep properly.
 
 
Hedo
02 June 2016 @ 04:51 pm
I was told I "look young" and now I feel awful.

My birthday's tomorrow.

I haven't really enjoyed my birthday since I was 15 and the knowledge that I stopped growing and started aging four years ago isn't helping much at all.

You'd think being complimented on looking young would help but it just kind of feels like another instance of insides not matching outsides and all that bullshit.
 
 
Hedo
27 December 2015 @ 03:22 am
*imagines what it would be like to not have PTSD, PMDD and dysphoria*

Neat.
 
 
Hedo
14 December 2015 @ 07:48 am
Again.

Of course.

Every mildly annoying thing I've done that I can recall doing is coming back up. Everything I've been wronged by is coming up. My anxiety is absurd already and rising.

I hate myself.

I hate my body.

This happens every five weeks and by the end of the fourth I am actively suicidal or very damn close.

But my only options right now are birth control (didn't work, made it worse) or antidepressants which largely don't work for my problem.

I feel trapped and like I have no meaningful options for stopping it. When I seek help from gynecologists they don't take me seriously. I can't get psychiatric help at all for whatever stupid fucking reason. Based on other experiences, though, my expectations are much the same.
 
 
Hedo
15 November 2015 @ 07:56 am
Do you consider yourself a religious person? If so, which religion do you affiliate with? If not, why not? Do you consider being "religious" different from believing in a higher power?
I do. I identify as Lokean, meaning I work with Loki (no, NOT Marvel; fuck Marvel) and, in my case, his family.

There's no objective answer as to whether belief and religion are one and the same, but to me, practice without belief is meaningless. If I did not believe I was meaningfully surrendering my time, energy, food, fuel and occasionally my bodily autonomy (I stopped cutting my hair, and I've spent long periods covering it as a devotional act), I wouldn't bother. All those gestures being directed at absolutely nothing would be a waste.

For me, there has been ample *subjective* proof that it's going somewhere, so I keep at it.